One Man

Single Parenting

I have been a single parent ever since I got introduced to this parenting business and hell it’s a ton of all sorts kinda job!

Where does one even begin?

This is a unique story because every one is different but unfortunately has become the norm in our society with an estimated 48% of households in South Africa alone being single headed. 46% being single mothers and the 2% is single fathers. The variance is quite big…

This numbers vary from divorce case, death of a partner, some by choice etc.

I was borne in a nucleus family where both parents were hands on, I saw them as ideal and something I wanted for myself. Theirs was a “till death do us part” when my dad departed in 2009.

With me, it was a slightly different story. I am part of the stats. My dream of a loving husband that is hands on, changes diapers and helps with child care and live happily ever after was deferred. A short while into it I went through the back window, without even allowing the poor chap to change even one diaper and ended up doing this parenting thing solo.

I count the beginning of this soloist stunt as one of the saddest days of my life. I am generally not a big person, infact I’m slim and have always been. My high school uniform still fits me, meaning my weight has been constant throughout the years. The biggest I’ve been is during my pregnancies at 62kg.

For a new mother, I was probably weighing 48kgs. I was boney and wind would easily blow me off. I’d cringe meeting new mothers especially those whom seemed to be blissfully orbiting in their nucleus family unit.

I had been accustomed to dancing around any type of pressure (real or perceived) in revealing my situation that I’d burst and over share with impromptu details of how I ended up alone with a small child still breastfeeding. It would be something like; “Yes-we-are-separated-going-through-divorce-you-are-right-you-did-your-maths-well-I-moved-out-after-giving-birth-infact-from-the-hospital-I-never-returned-to-the-matrimonial-house-my-elder-sister-and-husband-took-me-in-till-I-find-my-feet.I-am-okay-really-okay-and-this-is-for-the-best!”

My blurts were mostly true, except for the ”I’m okay“ part and ofcourse not what the other person asked for or even wanted to hear but my insecurities were pushing me to tell it all. At one point I was at the steam room at the Vodacom Virgin Active in Midrand. My heart was boiling, my mind was scattered and it felt like everybody was seeing through me. I opened the steam room door and came across a gracious woman that was probably in her mid 50’s. I greeted her, it was only the two of us, man did I not recite my life to this stranger that patiently and compassionately listened to me that we ended up being friends and still regularly meet for coffee. She is amazed of how grown and transformed I have become.

I didn’t know how to do it, yet I promised myself that I will do the best in my ability to bring stability in my children’s lives despite it all.

When I started my journey, I won’t even attempt to sugarcoat it. I was worried of what people will say, how people perceived me and how my kids will turn out with some journals claiming that children raised by single parents are disadvantaged than those in a two parent household.

Over time I removed this thought from my mind and learned that despite the difficulties and social ills, my children will not be sentenced simply because i am a single parent.

Parenthood alone is a challenging task even under the best of conditions. For me as a single parent it seems this challenges are multiplied. Having to stretch myself between the never ending responsibilites overload is nie pap en melk.

I find myself chanting so much to do so little time in most cases. I lose the balls often and this is even before the Rands and Cents are put in the picture.

Currently I am rocking between preparing for Grade 5 exams, doing research on a country and their culture for my Grade 2, writting a work report, attending to endless meetings and emails, juggling stolen times between Insta, Facebook,YouTube and LinkedIn. The list goes on and in between I realise I haven’t checked homework nor prepared dinner but we can quickly grab left overs and sit on the mat to share our day’s dealings, how it panned out and plan for tomorrow. The home is filled with warmth and laughter and mommies screams here and there.

Today, the truth is, it is still not ideal, depending on how you vote, but we are “really fine”. Yes the fees are on me, but i get to choose the school my kids go to without any debates except for the internal ones that are mostly driven by proximity and the fare. I tell my friends that single parenting is no fun. It is hard, though I have also learned that this “hard” is regarded as a virtue of some sort. Some cry though it and others glorify it bragging about how dependable they are. I’m just disturbed by how many women (rich and poor, black and white) have become martyr for their children and fallen victim of a chauvinistic society that makes it okay to abandon their offspring.

And yes, not all of them have gotten off the hook.

Let’s Chat;

- How do you do it Mama?

- What is your view of single parenthood? - Who deserves to call themselves a single parent (single mom/single dad?).

Ladies with husbands (him not assisting with homework and school drop offs) you are out…you are not a single mom right!

- How do you make time to navigate life’s demands?

Disclaimer; from me- if you are unmarried, a mom/dad, not cohabiting with your kiddos’s other parent…you got it. You are a single parent.

It’s Wondrous Wednesday.

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Likha~(biso)